My amazing journey started in 1997 when I was pregnant with my first child. My husband (Rob) was a workaholic putting in 70+ hour weeks. I was lucky if he did not go in on Sundays. I had always been close with my Mom, but in Rob’s absence at this most wonderful time, the bond between my Mom and me reached new heights. We lived only minutes from each other, so we spent everyday together shopping, obsessing, but mostly dreaming about the soon to be next stage in both of our lives. I was now going to be a mommy and she a grandma. I remember that three months before I was due, my Mom bought a Halloween baby costume for the following year because she just could not wait. Everyday brought a new discussion and a new dream about what the future will hold for us.
The delivery was filled with complications and my Mom and Rob spent tireless hours by my bedside helping nurse me back to health. Soon I was on my feet again and learning a lot about how to care for my new son from a real pro…my Mom. Less then three months later my Mom died suddenly and with it a piece of me. I not only lost all the things my Mom had meant to me, but I also lost the grandmother for my son that I dreamt my Mom was going to be. We had spent nearly everyday for 9 months planning all the events and places we would be sharing and in an instant all those dreams were gone. My Mom was only 54 when she left me and the grief of losing her overwhelmed me. I spent the next few years desperately looking for reasons or signs from my Mom to help me understand why she left so soon, but none ever came. I even went on the John Edwards Show but to no avail. I finally made up my mind that there would never be a sign and started to let go.
My Mom was an only child and her Mom, my Grandmother (who we lovingly called Nanny) was also suffering from the loss. Together we filled each other’s void…I was her new legacy and she was my new mentor and life coach. In 2001 Nanny was with me every step of the way during my pregnancy with my second child. Two years later right after we all returned from a brief family trip together, Nanny died. Once again it was sudden and unexpected and I never got to say goodbye. I was forced to relive the same horror I went through when my Mom passed away. There was no closure, no final heartfelt moments together…just a phone call to inform us of the passing. Losing the most important women in my life, nearly the identical way, was more than I could handle.
I shut down.
I found it hard to do anything…I had lost all hope.
I felt broken and unworthy of happiness. No therapy, or prescription or Hallmark slogans were able to heal me. I was truly lost. My lack of self-esteem started to have a big negative effect on my marriage and my children. My life was in such disarray that even my loving husband was giving up on me, because I had already given up on us without even realizing. In December 2004 when Rob and I were discussing a trial separation something occurred that changed everything…
I had a dream where my Mom came to me. It had been well over 6-1/2 years since my Mom died and I had not dreamt of her since her passing and this was no ordinary dream.